phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
