I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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