no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
