Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
