i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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