Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
