come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
