just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
