is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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