I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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