if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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