Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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