oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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