Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
