Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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