Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
