the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
