Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
