I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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