Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
