i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize