alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
