Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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