i permit you to call me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
