So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
