it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
