I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
