Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
