don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
