not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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