i think my mom watched the whole time
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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