i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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