She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
