My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
