she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
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He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
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Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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