Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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