Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
