While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
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Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
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You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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