pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
