my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
