I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Where is the hickey?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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