My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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