i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
