That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think people are normalizing furries
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
