Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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