This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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