she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
