I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Be still, my beating vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
