why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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