I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
