moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
