new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
