I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
