I met the friendliest cop last night
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
