News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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