now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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